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Apr. 17th, 2009 @ 11:45 am The world is losing its color.
Everyone is leaving.  Everyone I love.

Chris is leaving.

Vesper is leaving.

Jessica is leaving.

I'm reminded that I have a good job, and that therefore I'm lucky.  I suppose that's true.  I'm lucky to get a paycheck in this economy.  Lucky to come home to an empty house.  Lucky to, very soon, have no one to visit or be loved by, save my family again.  We've come full circle, I guess.  

I hate the world today.  I have nothing left. 

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Mar. 31st, 2009 @ 03:33 pm (no subject)
 And these days keep on pulling, pulling me to something.  A journey with an end, because nothing is really endless.  But all ends are beginnings, and so they sing away - "nobody lives, and nobody dies, and everyone laughs, and everyone cries."

Most days I cannot bring my fingers to find the notes to play
And I try to mumble out all the words I cannot say
But the ones who need to hear them, they all love so far away
And no one hears, and I don't learn, so I will write another day

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Mar. 25th, 2009 @ 01:43 pm Quick updates.
*Living in a one bedroom apartment in Lakeland Hills. 

*Vesper is moving to Italy. :(

*Single as can be.

*Working for Disney.

*Probably getting a motorcycle.
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Dec. 24th, 2008 @ 09:23 am Long December
 I woke up to the sound of purring. A kitten, almost a cat, really, had placed himself next to my face for warmth. He'd seen me move, and that spark alone was enough to ignite his purrbox. It was the first time in a while that I woke up smiling. Animals are loyal without question - you feed them, clean up after them, and they give you the promise of constant affection. To be loved is no small goal in life, and in so many ways, the promise of love that a pet brings to you can make all the difference in the world. When I set out at the beginning of this year, my goals and my priorities were vastly different. I was freshly engaged, and looking forward to a lifetime with my fiance, comfortable in the knowledge that my daughter was going nowhere, and preparing to settle in for a lifetime of love. Nearly every part of that goal has been altered or damaged in some way, and I have been forced at every turn to reconfigure my plans. Jess gave up on me, Vesper's step-dad joined the military (with the ephemeral suggestion that he "shouldn't have to relocate"), and returning to a life where I am mostly alone. It's easy to give in to depression and despair, especially during the holiday season, but I do my best to push on. I hate the fall and winter, and the way they always make me feel - grim reminders of relationships ending, and false promises of new beginnings. I've put forth my best effort to make myself something worthy - awesome job, honest person, good friend - but I know in my heart that I'm still not trying hard enough. I don't have anything to offer someone beyond that job, that honesty, and that friendship. I wish that those things were sufficient for a good relationship, but they're not - especially not at 28, overweight, and going bald. I think sometimes that not caring, just giving up on the dating thing and trying to focus on just doing the things I love will lead me to someone, and that's probably true. But ever impatient, it's the days I spend at home alone, sitting on the couch, reading a book or playing a game, that seem the longest and most difficult. What little affection I can extract from the world is distant and cautious, and I feel guilty making any assumptions about its permanence. And with good reason, I think. So here's to January - to the promise of something better, a year with a fresh start at a new job, one more year in the decade, and to good friendships that never die, no matter the distance. To a year full of hope and wonder, and a year with the hidden promise of unexplored horizons, new opportunities, and something better than the sum of my parts. I love y'all dearly, and hope that everyone has something good to look forward to this year. Enjoy your Christmases, and maybe we'll meet again next year.
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Dec. 22nd, 2008 @ 02:01 pm Pfft.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
I want love.
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Oct. 13th, 2008 @ 05:43 pm Incidentally...
I'm moving my blog.

I'm going to have a site purely for writing, and to allow people that I don't really know to read it. A lot of it will be fictional, a lot of it will not be. Anyway, those of you who are interested to follow me from here on out can hit me up at:


I promise to be a bit more diligent with my updates, and to actually post some of my creative work there. If you can read this, I want you to read that.

That is all.
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Oct. 13th, 2008 @ 05:24 pm Nothing to see here.
The days are shorter, and I sometimes spend a half an hour just looking out the window before bed. The smell of leaves decaying, and the sound of wet tires on wetter roads. Sirens in the distance, and a train whistle. This is the fall, and I've bled too much this year. It's time for a rest, until spring brings me back to life.

Things are in the works. Long term things, the realization of dreams, and a mark to leave behind when I finally go from this place. Let's not jinx it. Let's light candles and burn wood in the fireplace; let's bake cookies and pies, and sing about the joy of each other. Let's remember for a time that love is something in our reach, and forgive each other for our past transgressions, to dance in the firelit rooms of our hearts.

To rejoice in being alive, and to forget the worries that plague our troubled hearts.

We are all still here.
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Sep. 29th, 2008 @ 05:12 pm Shrug.
Life is good. Static.

I think after I get my bills paid off in 3 years or so, I might want to go back to school to become a teacher. English/Creative Writing, probably. I could write in the summers, spend time with Vesper.

I just don't know. I guess that's the fun of it, and the fear.

I am still without someone to cuddle. And no desire to go play the game with girls. Oh well.

Keep on keepin' on, yah?
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Sep. 19th, 2008 @ 02:31 pm Oooh, we're sayin' the same things.
A life update, presented with limited commercial interruption, by Smuckers.

I don't really know, from one day to another, how I'm doing. If you asked me in person, I would tell you that I'm fine. Maybe I am. It isn't even really that different days bring different moods, it's different from that. It's a constant feel that I'm in a dead zone, a gray area in my life. This is a frequent occurrence for me, but usually it's something to complain about, and right now I kinda like it.

I count my blessings, as it were, with the measured breath of a person wide asleep. I have good friends who see to it that I'm never not busy. I have a wonderful roommate who always pays on time and is like a best friend to me. I have a healthy, vibrant daughter, who can ride a bike without training wheels now. My parents are in good health, and are about to pay off the last of their substantial debt, thus securing a smooth future for them. I have the friendship of my ex, and it's something that I actually really wanted, really hoped to not lose.

I don't mind my commute each day, long as it is. I treasure my Wednesdays, and with them, the opportunity to take Vesper to school, pick her up, go to the library and the park. She reminds me of the importance of seeking out pleasure in simplicity. My life is gradually settling into a pre-30's zen calm, the awareness and acceptance of a man who is idling, scanning the horizon for new mountains to climb.

I often imagined, even very recently, that things would have gone differently for me. It is one of my great disappointments that I've tried to be bitter over things, tried to feel angry and hurt, cast aside and emotionally abused. I've gone so far as to try to convince myself that being alone was the fault of others, that time after time, relationship after failed relationship, it was somebody else's fault.

I don't feel that I'm a bad partner. But I don't think the women I've been with have been good fits for me, or at least not as good a fit as I'd like to make myself believe. I have a tired heart, a dreamer's mind - my song is a sigh, and the appreciation of a slow sunset, a campfire, and the phosphor glow of a computer screen. I do not fit into a conventional stereotype, and for whatever reason, it has bothered me in the past. But I understand now, one very important thing. Please understand that I'm not being whiny or emo, or melodramatic. It's simply what I believe:

To be completely true to yourself is to be alone.

Think about that before you shake your head. It's true, every word of it. The key is in the "completely," of course. Love takes sacrifice, and it is always the sacrifice of self that makes things work, makes them last. You give part of yourself to the fire, and in return, the other person fits a little more snugly in the space that's left behind. It is comfortable, and it is always worth the sacrifice.

But being alone is okay too.

And I am, believe me. I'm very loved by my friends, and I spend as much time with them as I can. I care so much about the people who take the time to call, to write, or to stop by. That interaction is my communion, the reminder of the parts that are still human about me, still a part of a larger society. But ultimately, in the "my head is filled with thoughts" way, I have no partner, no one who wants to hold my hand through it all.

It's been a strange feeling for me, despite having been that way for two years before. I kind of like it, the realization that I do not need to search, don't need to push the river. I have my dear friends, I have my birds, and I have my body pillow - I am not lacking for things to hug and snuggle. I have my journal, my laptop, and the occasional poorly written fictional piece for a contest - I am not empty of words, or mediums to express them in.

And so this is my life. In January, I'll be 28, which actually feels better to me than 27. Even number, I guess. And I don't imagine much will have changed by then. I continue to pay off debt, and save up for trips to warmer climes. Disneyland with V in June, Sunriver and Hollywood in Summer.

I'm happy, and restless. By habit alone, I long for female companionship, someone to snuggle up with over a movie. But it's fading. I feel the pull toward new, more interesting work. Sometime after the new year, I'll probably start looking for something different. Sometimes I think of going back to school, other times I don't. In a couple years, I'll be out of debt, and able to think about buying a house or a condo. Sometime within the next year, I'll know if Vesper is going to stay in Washington.

Until then, I'll just stand and watch the ocean, listen to the waves crash over my feet. Dream about something familiar, hope for something good to come again.

I think it will.
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Sep. 2nd, 2008 @ 03:21 pm I miss you.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I am not the best. But I want to be the best for you.

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